Friday, March 14, 2014

Going Crazy Time (Sermon)





The Bible is the most imperfect guide to life you will ever find.

Ha?!? Mwuh Rah goo?!? Have you gone crazy, Father Choi? Have you gone Flip City? Have you gone troppo? What is happening?!? To your mind?!? Have you gone crazy? Are you… INSANE?!?

Granted, most of you do not like me enough to have such a broad reaction. I am painfully aware of that… but think about it anyway: I am the Pastor of your local neighborhood church… where you been coming for years, and I am holding the Bible up and telling you that it is the most imperfect guide to life you will ever find. Craziness.

How is the Bible imperfect? It does not give you the small answers. It does not tell you how many drinks to have at a party, or when it is right to report your co-worker to your boss. The Bible does not tell you how to deal with a sudden sexual impulse- which is the very instinct that perpetuates the human species. The Bible does not tell you the difference between recreational drug use and abuse, and it does not tell you when to yell at your children and when to let them figure things out for themselves. It does not tell you how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Believe me, I check.

'Give me the good stuff'

But what the Bible gives you are the big answers: it reminds you of the things that you already know in your heart, and the reason those things are in your heart is because God put them there. You know that lying is wrong, and that killing is a sin, but sometime in this life you will get so confused by all the Little Things that you will forget about the Big Things. And that is when we stray from God. And when we do we use the Bible to remind us of what is true.

You are going to make mistakes- that is human- and God will forgive them, because that is his end of the agreement. But do not lose the Bible. Even if you keep a copy on hand but never open it up! All you need to do is look at the Bible and be reminded that it is there for you, waiting patiently for the day you are ready to look into your heart and accept God’s graces.

The Bible is imperfect. It does not have all the answers.

Just the important ones.

Let us pray…



Friday, January 17, 2014

My Fight with the Church Council (Argument)


12 angry peoples

As you know many of my parishioners been complaining about the state of the Church: slipshod kneelers that break when you kneel on them, bowls of holy water that leak, and stale Communion wafers. In an effort to provide the very best for my flock I schedule an emergency meeting of the Church Council to request funds for improvements. Here is the transcript:

FRANCINE SCHUTZER: I’d like to begin this meeting by stating for the record my objection to having an Asian preacher at the Grace Community Church. Kwan Choi is a human abomination by any standards and in my opinion should be jettisoned into the farthest reaches of unforgiving, ice-cold sub-space, his molecules scattered across the farthest reaches of-

HENRY FUGLIP: In the interest of time, I move we let Gook Preacher explain himself.

GP: Thank you. I will keep this brief, ladies and gentleman: I need ten thousand dollars to repair my church and replace the exploding toilets.

PAULA PIGNOLTI:
Request denied. Meeting adjourned.

GP: Yes, but-


"I been cold busted"


BISHOP BUFORD: Assbasket: what part of ‘meeting adjourned’ don’t you understand?

GP: But, I would like to explain-

HENRY FUGLIP: Don’t make me call security.

GP: Alright! We will have it your way. I will accept this loss. But remember what the Bible says: “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19. This will not be forgotten.

And so that is why in my sermon this week, when you hear me request donations of wood, nails & other supplies to improve our Church it is not because I did not try… I am just trying to give my parish the best of everything, because that is what they deserve. And if anyone has a titanium-reinforced unbreakable toilet please see me in the rectory. Let us pray…





Complaint Box (Suggestions)



In order to try and bring improvement to the Grace Community Church I installed a Complaint Box at the back of the rectory. It is a bin where I can learn what things upset the parishioners without them shouting it in my ear. Let’s open up the box, shall we? Open it with me.




That one was a concise! Some people think I ramble on but the word of the Lord is there in my words. The budget is not satisfactory to obtain pyrotechnics or other such visual delights. And the one time I try that the Fire Department was very disapproving.

 





 

Well that was almost a sentence. I know, the kneeling pedestals are in disarray throughout the church as they are old and wooden, and very few families have taken my suggestion of wearing kneepads to mass. This is a good one. I am going to ask the Church Council if we might have the funds to repair the damaged kneelers. After all if Jesus is a carpenter I can certainly be a carpenter’s apprentice! Or at least the fellow with the plywood.











Let’s move along.






It is heartening to know that there are people who cannot get enough of the Ten Commandments. Many people laugh at them & consider them outdated practices, but I will tell you they are valuable. The one which I consider the most important: ‘Thou Shall Not Worship False Idols.” How many of us are guilty of elevating athletes & musicians to the status of gods? The true God is bigger than any basketball player and more powerful than any guitarist… and so is the god inside of you.











Typo








Obviously we have a comedy man in the midst of our church. I hope he establishes some good laughs on the stage & offers them up to God.










This could be from so many peoples. The point is we have shared our common complaints and alleviated our pressures… I will get to work on the issue of the broken kneelers. In the meantime, please do not kill the homeless, no matter how great the temptation. Let us pray…