Perhaps the toughest part of my job is counseling married couples when their marriage has hit the difficult part of the road, the part of the road with road signs that say “Loose Gravel, “Divided Highway,” and “Merge Immediately Now.”
Merging is a difficult.
Oftentimes I take these troubled couples for a walk on the church grounds, where there is nature, and where I have a boom box which is playing Toni Braxton, because hearts really can be unbroken if you have the right tools. Like a boom box playing Toni Braxton and other tools. Out on the grass we see God's presence in the sunshine, the blue sky, and the picnic table. I often compare a troubled marriage to the major-motion picture "Star Wars."
Frequently on these emotional strolls the wife will break down in tears. Then the husband will follow suit and break down in tears as well. Inspired by the deep movement, I break down in tears so that no one can see me crying. The following is an excerpt of dialogue from my most recent marriage hike:
Kevlin The Husband: I don't like you, Gook Preacher, and being counseled by a Japanee goes against every fiber of my being, but it sure is a beautiful day and I enjoy the boom box playing Toni Braxton.
Jane The Wife: Why don’t you tell the yellow reverend the truth? That you cheat on me.
GP: Infidelity. The word conjures up many-
KEVLIN: Tell Johnny Egg Roll why I have to cheat- she won’t give me pie!!! That’s right- I can’t sex my own wife! She’s frigid!
GP: The Bible teaches us that-
JANE: Why don’t you tell Year of the Monkey just who you’ve been banging? Katy! Our thirteen year-old daughter!
GP: Children are a blessing, a gift from God-
KEVLIN: At least Katy turns over and leaves her
BACK DOOR UNLOCKED!!!
JANE: I hope you fall off a rafter on the site and get crushed by a bulldozer hanging off a crane! Did I mention he’s a construction worker?
KEVLIN: May you never know the joy of sodomy!
JANE: I hate you and the shriveled prunes you call testicles!
KEVLIN: Your chocolate chip cookies were always burnt! Every time!
GP: The Apostles spoke about finding common ground-
KEVLIN: Never! Gook Preacher- you’re intolerably substandard. And I won’t have no gook preacher trying to save my marriage!
JANE: Me neither! You smell like crab Rangoon. And I HATE Toni Braxton!
Jane and Kevlin stormed off after that, to their separate apartments and respective lovers. Was I successful in saving their marriage? It depends on your point of view. After the divorce they both tell me on separate occasions that I was "crucial," so I take it as a moral success. Every one of God's children deserves the warmth and companionship of marriage. Except homosexuals. Let us pray...
