Rapping with Anthony (Text Message)

The neighborhood youth think of me more as a friend than a pastor, and frequently I text-chat with them to help them stay on the road to spiritual enlightenment. This is a conversation I had with my buddy Anthony Cistaro...

What's up, Anthony! 

who is this?

It's Father Choi (Gook Preacher :) 

how did you get my #?

From your Sunday School sign-up sheet!

what do you want? 

I just want to know are you doing okay? Are you feeling God's love and accepting Jesus as your Savior?

yup

How is your Mother?

good

And your Dad?

good

How is [your sister] Lydia?

good

A few of the neighborhood teens invite me over to their house for dinner. They say, "Gook Preacher I bet you would enjoy a home-cook meal with me and my whole family." They say I am almost a member of the family!

tubular

Does your Mother make home-cook meal for you?

yup

Do you have any dinner guests schedule for next week?

nope

Ah, okay. Well, that is good, I just wanted to make sure. Would you like me to call you so we can read a Bible passage together?

I have to go now to buy marijuana

Okay, maybe when you get back...

I'm going to sleep after that

Maybe we can talk tomorrow?

bye

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You Don't Belong Here (Hate Letter)

The following is a letter sent to me by one of the members of my parish... maybe this can teach us something about hatred?


Gook Preacher,

I hate you. I HATE you. I hate hate HATE HATE HATE you. You’re Asian. You’re a priest. You wear those glasses. You talk American. You think you’re hip. You say LOL out loud. Did I mention you’re Asian?

You don’t belong here- not in Texas or the USA. This is OUR land. We love our country and our God and our cattle- not slanty-eyed Japanee. Rice is for weddings. Are you a gremlin? Why doesn’t the Bible burn in your hands? Who made you God’s mouthpiece?
 
On top of my general objections, I find you personally offensive. You smell like dim-sum. You don’t use fabric softener. Your hair has flakes- Asian flakes that fall on your black shirt and build into piles. Your sermons are incoherent. Your accent is terrible- during mass one week you kept pronouncing the word “election” as “erection.” You’re slow. You walk funny. You genuinely like children.
 
Please leave the church and bring Father Dunning back. He might have been a throbbing alcoholic but he was an American Alcoholic. I’m asking you politely to die, because if you don't I will shoot you dead.

Sincerely,
Jed Lippincott
84 Pecos Street
Beaumont, TX 77702

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Hypocrites Go Home (Sermon)

"Vote for me and I will give you magic powers! I will put a rainbow on your ice cream sundae! If I am elected America will become fantastic again!"

"Who said that? No one most likely. That talk is crazy talk. Do you know what other talk is crazy talk? Jesus talk. Is crazy talk. At least the Pharisees thought so. The Pharisees were confused Jews who wanted to challenge Jesus' teachings and live an immoral life. Jesus say to them: "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess." He was furious. What did Jesus mean by this? Well he called them hypocrites because they presented an upstanding image to the world but behind the scenes they were corrupt and twisted. This remind me of some of our politicians today!

"How dare you"

Perhaps politicians are modern-day Pharisees... they ask you to believe they are moral but inside they are concerned with their own selfish agenda. This year is a election year. And we have all the candidates shouting empty promises to try and get your vote. They promise you pinball machines and five-dollar bills... they guarantee happiness and fresh vegetables and haircuts for your grandparents. Do these things really come to fruition? I never seen it.

Jesus say of the Pharisees "they preach, but do not practice." How many politicians are guilty of the same charge? For many young people, this is their first election. They are not sure what to do or who to vote for... they have been told that this election will decide the future, yes? I disagree. Your faith in God will decide your future, and politicians will continue shouting hollow promises and telling lies. Political parties and Presidents change... but God's love always shines through.

So you can be like Jesus and look at the candidates just like he look at the Pharisees. You can see through their shiny exterior and look at the real person underneath.  And you can cast your vote for God, because he has no term limits. Let us pray..."

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Thumbs Of Goodness (Sermon)

This is an excerpt from the very first sermon I gave as Pastor of the Grace Community Church... hopefully you will find it enlightening.


"Jesus said to his apostles: 'No more pizza pies. No more ice cold soda. No more cigarettes. No more premium gasoline.' 

Of course, he didn't really say this. But in his heart this is what he was expressing when he gave the Sermon on the Mount, a great speech that revealed some wonderful truths to us. Truths that help us find our way when the road is a rocky road.

Let us say you are a newcomer to a strange land... for example, you may be of Asian descent and trying to gain acceptance in a rural community. You may be taunted and shouted at. You might find that the windows of your Honda have been smashed, or that someone keeps putting sushi in your mailbox. Perhaps it's a warning. Perhaps it's just a confused postman.

But even when you face such hardships you should not lose faith, because Jesus has said that those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness: for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. I been persecuted. Does that mean that the Kingdom of Heaven will literally be mine? Yes. And I will be very strict about who I let in. We will be safe inside steel-reinforced gates, living on a cloud but with much security carts that monitor the perimeter so that unauthorized visitors do not try to sneak in. They will be roasted.

Many of you in the parish are currently making obscene gestures to me. My eyes may be slanted but they still can see good. I believe in time those fingers you are flashing will be replaced by thumbs, thumbs of goodness, thumbs pointing upward giving me the approval that I seek. 

I believe that one day you will accept me as your equal, and you will see that my only mission is to put God's Love into your hearts, so that you may spread it as rampantly as you spread intolerance. In the meantime I will keep a smile on my face and continue to enjoy the delicious mystery of the mailbox sushi... and the delicious mystery of the Lord. Let us pray..."

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Outraged In Beaumont (Mailbag)

I thought I would open my mailbag and share a few gems with you, Reader... these are letters written by members of my parish and followed by my response. May the Lord be with all of you...

Gook Preacher,

My 8 year-old son said you gave him a sticker in Sunday School last week. He said it was because he correctly recited all 10 commandments but I know you're trying to convert him to Communism or god-knows-what. I wouldn't be surprised to discover there were poisonous brain-melting chemicals in that sticker that would make my boy susceptible to your crazy ideas... I'll just have to wait for the lab report to come back. In the meantime I am withdrawing Toby from Sunday School and converting the family to Satanism. I don't want no Gook Preacher tainting my boy!!!

-Outraged in Beaumont

Dear Outraged,
The only chemical in that sticker was Love and a toxic adhesive which has been to shown to cause epileptic seizures in children. The stickers have since been recalled and I apologize for any long-lasting health defects they may have caused. Please to give my regards to Satan.

-GP

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Gook Preacher,
I was all set to let you perform my wedding, but when I found out you was a Chinese I say HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!! My fiance said calm down you have the furies again but I hit him hard because I don't want no Gook Preacher marrying me!!!

- Sickness in Texas

Dear Sickness,
Do you take the Lord to be your one and only savior? If you said "I do," I now pronounce you Follower and Omnipotent Diety. You may now kiss the Creator of the Universe.

-GP

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Gook Preacher,
Please stop texting me. This is Michelle, the 15 year-old girl you counseled when I was feeling suicidal. You made me give you my # and I know you just want to "rap with me" but I am not intersted. Please stop texting me. I am 15 years old. Please stop texting me. I am 15. I don't want to have to involve my parents or the police so remember I am 15 years old. And please stop texting me. (I am 15)

- Please Stop Texting Me


 
Dear Texting,
I am sorry if I crossed any boundaries I should not have crossed. But all the teenagers in the community say that I am very "radical" and "more like a friend than a foreign-born clergyman." They invite me to their parties and want to chat with me as often as possible, possibly because I am "radical." I will text you tonight and personally apologize for offending you.

-GP

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