Outraged In Beaumont (Mailbag)

I thought I would open my mailbag and share a few gems with you, Reader... these are letters written by members of my parish and followed by my response. May the Lord be with all of you...

Gook Preacher,

My 8 year-old son said you gave him a sticker in Sunday School last week. He said it was because he correctly recited all 10 commandments but I know you're trying to convert him to Communism or god-knows-what. I wouldn't be surprised to discover there were poisonous brain-melting chemicals in that sticker that would make my boy susceptible to your crazy ideas... I'll just have to wait for the lab report to come back. In the meantime I am withdrawing Toby from Sunday School and converting the family to Satanism. I don't want no Gook Preacher tainting my boy!!!

-Outraged in Beaumont

Dear Outraged,
The only chemical in that sticker was Love and a toxic adhesive which has been to shown to cause epileptic seizures in children. The stickers have since been recalled and I apologize for any long-lasting health defects they may have caused. Please to give my regards to Satan.

-GP

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Gook Preacher,
I was all set to let you perform my wedding, but when I found out you was a Chinese I say HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!! My fiance said calm down you have the furies again but I hit him hard because I don't want no Gook Preacher marrying me!!!

- Sickness in Texas

Dear Sickness,
Do you take the Lord to be your one and only savior? If you said "I do," I now pronounce you Follower and Omnipotent Diety. You may now kiss the Creator of the Universe.

-GP

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Gook Preacher,
Please stop texting me. This is Michelle, the 15 year-old girl you counseled when I was feeling suicidal. You made me give you my # and I know you just want to "rap with me" but I am not intersted. Please stop texting me. I am 15 years old. Please stop texting me. I am 15. I don't want to have to involve my parents or the police so remember I am 15 years old. And please stop texting me. (I am 15)

- Please Stop Texting Me


 
Dear Texting,
I am sorry if I crossed any boundaries I should not have crossed. But all the teenagers in the community say that I am very "radical" and "more like a friend than a foreign-born clergyman." They invite me to their parties and want to chat with me as often as possible, possibly because I am "radical." I will text you tonight and personally apologize for offending you.

-GP

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